Thursday, 12 January 2012

This week: Kingston Peabody's Need For Speed

You are Kingston Peabody!

(You are, live with it)

You have become the air apparent to Lord Barrington Smythe's fortune.
The monotonous scroller informs you that in a distant Summer, some 20 years previous. Your mother (washer lady, Mavis Peabody) did engage in an act of "salacious parlour games" with Lord of the house Smythe.

Dismissed from the house days later for acts of candle wick pilfery, Mavis finds solace in the work houses. Heavily pregnant, she is unaware that Smythe has changed his will. Having returned from Java (the place not the downloadable programme) afflicted with Beriberi, he is ridden with guilt (and disease) for his true love. Knowing his days are not long, he informs his solicitors of his intentions. Thus leaving his wife (Petunia) and son (Arthur) with nothing.

Through an arduous labour, Mavis delivers her son Kingston but only lives long enough to kiss him goodbye. Kingston is raised by auntie and uncle Peabody, living an impoverished life of err impoverishment. Only on his 18th birthday is he informed of his new found wealth, having been tracked down by Smythe's solicitors; whose office is two doors down from the glue factory.

Kingston declares that from this day forth, he shall live the life of a high flying man about town and buy a car!

The game has now started proper and finds our hero Kingston wandering around the Ford Motor dealership of the year 1913. Struck by the complexity of choice (one car) your character indicates to the clerk that he wishes to purchase said vehicle post haste. He hands over $825 dollars to the clerk, who absent mindedly releases his monocle from his astonished face.

Your first driving of the game is at the accompaniment of your instructor Hanley Von Bratwurst. A bullish man of ill temper. Hanley barks orders in his heavy German accent, "Shtraight on! Levt! Dumkof, zee trottle iz too high!" Before declaring you have passed.

It is at this point that your time in America ends as you venture to England, to seek out the truth behind your fathers life and death and other motoring high jinx.

Having settled in a swanky London pad you receive this first telegram from an as yet unknown nemesis. The scrolling roller declares a wager is at hand! Lord Finbar Hydron Collider III has made his intentions clear to sully the name of the rich American, tarnishing the well to do area with his odd accent and flash car. He declares a race from London to Brighton and wants you in the race!

Having dictated your eagerness to partake with your butler Cloisters, you begin spending on the necessary provisions for the event. At the local corner shop, you spend lavishly on scones, buns, jam, and a chest of tea. At the local garage you purchase tires, tools, parts. (Then hand them all to Cloisters).

The start line beckons, and as you thumb the throttle a speech bubble appears from an unidentified opponent to you left: "Blast you Peabody, blast you! The money should be mine! You may know me as Finbar, but my  real name is Arthur Barrington Smythe!"

As you look on in shock, the flag drops and you push the throttle as the car lurches forward, gallantly towards 45 mph. There is more than bragging rights at stake now!!!


  1. A lot of these games remind me of situations from Father Ted, and his one's a bit like Speed 3 with the exploding milk van. Also everybody has to sound like Hugh Laurie from Blackadder.

    A chest of tea sounds a bit like what a really posh pirate might dig up. A-har, James lad! I think, however, Lord Finbar Hydron Collider III is my favourite name of all time.

    The game went Platinum within days (Prince Harry bought 10,000 copies).

    1. This one for it's time had to have particularly daft names. Lord Findbar had me bored of using the usual names, so threw a little more Viz into the mixer.